


if my body was on fire (you’d watch me burn down in flames)

by trashystories



Series: music is therapy but you’re my drug [7]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Apocalypse, BUT HE GIVES HIMSELF A HUG, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Loneliness, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Sad, but he doesn’t get one :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24471775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashystories/pseuds/trashystories
Summary: Why had he been such an idiot?This was all his fault, no matter what Delores said.He had chosen to disobey his father, he decided to run out, he decided he was ready.He bet Reginald was laughing now, from whatever depth of Hell fitted him.ORFive deals with some suicidal thoughts and gets himself through it, with the help of our favourite mannequin. TRIGGER WARNING - suicidal thoughts.
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Series: music is therapy but you’re my drug [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759588
Comments: 5
Kudos: 153





	if my body was on fire (you’d watch me burn down in flames)

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry this is such a short fic - i had the worst day today and i was so so busy and it is so late right now and i have to get up early tomorrow BUT i needed to write this for you guys! 
> 
> ALSO, to my American readers, and readers all around the world, I hope you are all staying safe. We live in a scary world, with a scary set of systems. 
> 
> Also, totally not projecting feelings into my writing again whaaaat no me? never.
> 
> If you missed the TRIGGER WARNING - there are suicidal thoughts discussed.

He was so alone. 

He had been for so long.

The apocalypse made sure of that. 

He missed his siblings. He missed Ben, and his sweet voice in the middle of the night, whispering gentle poems to him to soothe him to sleep after a particularly rough day of training. 

He missed Vanya, her awkward and unsure mannerisms, and how she’d hug him and sob the minute he had scrapped his knee. Huh. If only she could see him now. 

He missed Klaus, and how sometimes they’d both sneak out of the academy when it was all too much, and run through the deserted streets as though they were the only ones to exist. 

He missed Allison, and the way she would shake her head and punch his arm affectionately after every time he had shown wit to their father. 

He missed Diego, and how they’d both team up in order to scare Klaus and Ben, and the prank wars that would inevitably result. 

Hell, he even missed Luther; his authoritative, self-righteous attitude would probably do him a lot of good right now. 

He was so alone. 

He felt like he was drowning. 

Not the intimacy of it. No, it was more like he was forced to his knees under the weight of the world, coughing and spluttering for air that was right in front of him, but refused to become breath. 

He had Delores, sure, but how much longer could he kid himself? 

She was a mannequin. She was made of fucking plastic. 

_“It’s okay, Five”_

Shut up.

_“It’s not your fault”_

Shut up. Shut up. 

_“You’re trying your best”_

Shut up-shut up-shut up. 

He couldn’t do this. 

He picked her up, and threw her as far as he could, a scream bubbling out from his chest and filling the empty air. 

He didn’t even look her in the eyes as he tossed her away. 

He wouldn’t need her anyway, where he was going. 

He couldn’t do this anymore. 

He needed to just end it all. 

He didn’t want to die, no, but he couldn’t live like this anymore. 

There was nothing for him. 

He screamed again, his limbs kicking and flailing like a stubborn child. 

Why was it so hard? 

Why had he been such an idiot?

This was all his fault, no matter what Delores said. 

He had chosen to disobey his father, he decided to run out, he decided he was ready.

He bet Reginald was laughing now, from whatever depth of Hell fitted him. 

He was going to do it. He was going to end it. 

What was worth fighting for, anyway? 

Everyone he ever loved was dead. He had to bury them. 

Had to pick up their cold, heavy bodies and shut their eyes, letting his tears soak their skin. 

They suffered. 

It was his fault. 

His fault his fault his fault his fault. 

Everything was his fault. 

He couldn’t do this anymore. 

_What are you so afraid of?_

Dolores? He could’ve sworn he threw her in his fit of rage, ascertained by the guilt clawing up his stomach. 

_What are you so afraid of?_

He wasn’t afraid.

He was fucking terrified. 

He was so scared that he wouldn’t be able to go back, he wouldn’t be able to save his family, that he’d end up dead anyway, after a long, tormented life of daily guilt and regret. 

Why would he do that to himself? 

Why would he put himself through that? 

He couldn’t stand anymore failure. 

_There is still a chance._

_There always will be, if you stick around to wait for it._

He knew Delores was right. He knew she was. 

He needed to save his family. 

He would save them. 

He just needed to wait. 

Every day he spends in solitude, well, that can be his punishment. Not death. 

He needs to keep fighting. 

_You’re the only hope for them._

He’s the only hope for them. 

He took a deep breath. The another. 

Everything will be okay. He just needs to stay focused. Stay busy. 

So, he picked up his chalk, and went back to his blackboard, and redid the equations he had scribbled over in anger. 

* * *

And, well, if he went to go retrieve Delores, whispering sweet apologies to her, that was nobody’s business but his own. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it was so short, but good on you for reading it!! I love you! Hope you all have a wonderful day/night wherever you are!


End file.
